You know how when your three year old has that look on her face, and you know she's gonna yank on her sisters hair? You see the frustration mounting, and you quickly say "ok!!! Let's have a time out!" because you know it's going to continue to escalate and the results will not be good.
A time out preemptively will do much more good than a time out after the fact. And I'm not talking of the popular 'time out' protocol either, of sending the child somewhere secluded for the purpose of them feeling guilty, 'thinking about it', or punishing them to show them their behavior is unacceptable. No, not that at all. Because honestly, what does that do? Other than make the kid seethe in anger at being sent away, or throw a tantrum at not being heard, or hurry to stop crying so they can get out of their room?
No, I'm talking about a true time out. A time out of that particular situation, to do something different, change scenery. A true time out should be calming, should diffuse the anger, not add to it.
When we are frustrated, what would we want our response from others to be? Certainly not being yelled at to go away or shamed...chances are, if we are at that point and we are acting inappropriately, we are already feeling badly, no need to heap on the negativity. No, when I'm mad or frustrated, I basically just want to be heard. I want someone to sooth me and speak gently without being condescending.
And yet, we do need to maintain healthy boundaries and in our anger, not say things that will hurt others. We must teach our children the same. For this reason, we have a code word we use when we think someone might be getting out of control. Parents and kids can tell each other, lovingly and gently, that they look like they need a 'break'. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, our pride tells us we don't *want* a break, but if someone has suggested it, it's because we usually do. It allows the person who is riled up an easy 'out' to go and calm down, without undue embarrassment. My kids know to respect the 'break' time if mommy or daddy needs one, as we respect their space too.
When they are little, a break may be in my lap, reading a book or just snuggling. I might offer to make a cup of chamomile tea, or get a protein filled snack, some water, or warm milk. The whole point is to recognize in ourselves the warning signs of getting angry, and take steps to calm ourselves down. Most of us have not learned this valuable skill, and as a result, we hurt those we love. Righteous anger does not hurt others, in word or deed.
All this stems from my needing a break tonight, and not realizing it until too late. :( I had had a long day, cooped up indoors, with a baby who is going through a clingy phase, and two tired kids. I got angry over something very insignificant and spoke harshly to my daughter. The hurt in her eyes as I lectured was painful. Thankfully, hubs recognized how I was feeling, and offered a break to me. He didn't look disapprovingly, didn't admonish me, didn't make me feel worse about the situation than I already did. He simply said, "why don't you go and nurse the baby, I'll put the bigger girls to bed". I went and calmed down and then was able to apologize to my daughter.
I know some will say, oh, but the parents must always present a united front, he undermined you, ect. And normally, I do agree that parents should support each other and back each other. However, more importantly than that, I want my kids to learn that NO ONE should speak unkindly to them. not even their mother. Especially their mother. And that mommy's are not perfect. We make many mistakes, daily it seems, and when we hurt someone else, we need to make amends and apologize.
So the next time your kids get angry and lash out, rather than punish or make them feel worse, empathize that they are already feeling badly, and help them calm down. Give them as much time as they need. And when they are ready, their apology will be from a contrite heart, it will be real and not forced just to get out of a punishment. Slowly, over a long time, they will recognize their own limitations, and take a break before they react.
That, is the place I am striving to be.
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