What is it? What is it not? Is it good? Bad? Indifferent?
One of the big 'things' so often touted in Christian parenting circles is that our children will learn to manipulate us if we do not 'show them who is boss' early on. This lesson must begin promptly, in infancy, lest we show ourselves weak to our children. It is taught by implementing rigid schedules, so that babies learn to fit in to *our* lives and not be a nuisance. Or by ignoring their cries, attempting to teach them that we will not be swayed by their emotional outbursts.
But what is it about that word, manipulation, that brings up such negative feelings in us? Babies, toddlers and young children are learning the ways of this big, confusing world. Things are often confusing, frustrating, and nonsensical to them. They communicate those feelings to us, and we label them as negative, bad, something to be squelched.
Why is an infant waking up every two hours to nurse something to be ignored? God designed babies to eat breast milk, and breast milk is designed to digest quickly. Babies are made to eat frequently. It's not good or bad, it just IS. So why are we told to ignore that? Society would be in an uproar if we found that a nursing home was ignoring the cries of a hungry elderly person who was bed bound, simply because it wasn't the mandated 'meal time'. Why do we allow people to convince us to do this to our children? Even if the cause isn't hunger, comfort is a valid NEED. Multiple studies done in orphanages around the world show the effects of children deprived of this very need, and the results are heart breaking. So when we talk about babies manipulating us by crying, think of it as a GOOD thing. They know what needs they have, and crying is their way to communicate to us big people that they have a need that is not being met.
When a toddler throws himself on the floor, screaming, kicking, and crying, he is not doing it to annoy us. He does not have the cognitive ability to think "I know! I'll just scream and cry until I get my way!" Truly, as much as it may seem they do, they do not have the ability to do this. Studies have been done to show that until about age five, children can not put themselves 'in our shoes'. So rest assured that tantrums have very little to do with you. They are really all about the frustration that is a toddlers life. A little bit of patience and empathy goes a long way.
This brings me to my final point. I think the reason why so many of us feel so uncomfortable with manipulation is that we've often had to resort to it ourselves. Ok, stay with me here...
If we were taught, in childhood, that getting our needs met was an inconvenience, or that having certain feelings was bad, wrong, or shameful....If we were ignored, 'trained', or punished for these things, how do we feel as adults when we have a need that is being unmet? We may want to be straightforward with our request, but subconsciously we harbor feelings of rejection for doing this before, so we keep it to ourselves. The need doesn't go away, and the desire to be fulfilled only grows stronger. The way we can get those needs met is to manipulate those around us...so as not to seem like we are actually asking or requesting anything. Does that make sense?
Let's break that cycle for our children. Let's show them that getting our needs met is healthy and right and good. Let's stop attaching negative connotations to a God given behavior. Let's rejoice that our infants and toddlers feel free enough to ask (sometimes demand lol) those who love them most to meet their needs. Let's not shame them for their feelings, instead let's extend an extra measure of grace and empathy for these little people.
And lets work on ourselves. Let go of those negative thing you were taught about needs. I have to work on this a lot. Rather than being passive aggressive, let's just be real, straight forward, and honest. It will free you so much.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Biblical parenting...
I know there are a lot of 'How-to' books about parenting for Christians, but here is a brief summary on what I feel the bible teaches on the matter. Again, this is a re-post from a message board.
First, Proverbs is a poetical book. A good hermeneutical principle is not to build doctrine on poetic passages. This book is full of symbolism, and not always meant to be read and taken literally. (Interesting though, how most Christians who advocate hitting children as being a biblical truth pick and choose what they want to take as literal from the Old Testament. Only when it suits their lifestyle will they take it as a literal command...if it's too inconvenient or 'out there' they blow it off by saying ''oh but we are under grace now!'' Funny how that never applies to children though?)
The word Rod in the bible appears many times, MOST often meaning a kings scepter or a shepherd's staff. Which would mean that if taken literally, we would need to find a 6 foot long 3 inch round stick to hit our children. Of course, that is not the intent! Rod is a symbol- one of guidance, one of authority, like a shepherd or a king.
Solomon (the author of Proverbs) was a wise man, for sure. However, his children didn't exactly turn out great either...so I'm going to look at his wisdom in light of what GOD and JESUS say in the scripture.
Second the word used for our english word 'child' is naar. Naar MOST often refers to young adult, or someone entering adulthood. They have more responsibility to God, they were also accountable to the government of the day. Naar does NOT refer to a toddler or baby.
Thirdly, as Christians, we are saved by grace. Not because we are well-behaved, not because we deserved it, not because of anything but grace. And as Christians, we are called to be Christ-like, and to model our lives after Jesus. Jesus never hit anyone, in fact, He made sure to call the little children to Him and tell everyone "Whatsoever you do the the least of these, you do also unto Me"
And lastly, even if someone DOES feel that the verse in Proverbs is advocating for hitting on the bottom with a wooden spoon (again, NO WHERE IN THE BIBLE) there are no directives on when, how often, for what offense, or anything like that. MAN has made all those rules up. The whole praying together, hug after being hit is sickening to me. It only teaches that if you are bigger and stronger, you can hurt someone else if they don't do things your way. And that those who supposedly love you the most are going to hurt you if you don't do what they want. That is NOT who God is. He cares SO MUCH MORE about relationship. Hitting destroys relationship, no matter what someone says (I was spanked and I'm fine).
There are hundreds of verses on gentleness, love, kindness, forgiveness, grace, and mercy, and one or two that people use to justify hitting. What about applying the WHOLE bible to parenting? If you apply more than just ONE scripture to parenting, and look ANYwhere else in the bible, you would never have a reason to hit.
I say this as a person who at one point (before children thank God) felt that I would hit, because it was what I had been taught makes a good, godly, Christian parent. I know I'm passionate about this topic, and I hope I'm not coming across as judgmental. I know how easy it is to get sucked in to that teaching, and how hard it is to break free from it. I was so deceived, and I am so thankful that God opened my eyes, and showed me who He really wants me to be to my children. It's my mission in life now, to undo all the punitive parenting that is taught in Christian circles. I hope to someday be able to teach people the truth and a better way than what has been taught the past few hundred years. I hope to be able to bring people back to true biblical parenting.
First, Proverbs is a poetical book. A good hermeneutical principle is not to build doctrine on poetic passages. This book is full of symbolism, and not always meant to be read and taken literally. (Interesting though, how most Christians who advocate hitting children as being a biblical truth pick and choose what they want to take as literal from the Old Testament. Only when it suits their lifestyle will they take it as a literal command...if it's too inconvenient or 'out there' they blow it off by saying ''oh but we are under grace now!'' Funny how that never applies to children though?)
The word Rod in the bible appears many times, MOST often meaning a kings scepter or a shepherd's staff. Which would mean that if taken literally, we would need to find a 6 foot long 3 inch round stick to hit our children. Of course, that is not the intent! Rod is a symbol- one of guidance, one of authority, like a shepherd or a king.
Solomon (the author of Proverbs) was a wise man, for sure. However, his children didn't exactly turn out great either...so I'm going to look at his wisdom in light of what GOD and JESUS say in the scripture.
Second the word used for our english word 'child' is naar. Naar MOST often refers to young adult, or someone entering adulthood. They have more responsibility to God, they were also accountable to the government of the day. Naar does NOT refer to a toddler or baby.
Thirdly, as Christians, we are saved by grace. Not because we are well-behaved, not because we deserved it, not because of anything but grace. And as Christians, we are called to be Christ-like, and to model our lives after Jesus. Jesus never hit anyone, in fact, He made sure to call the little children to Him and tell everyone "Whatsoever you do the the least of these, you do also unto Me"
And lastly, even if someone DOES feel that the verse in Proverbs is advocating for hitting on the bottom with a wooden spoon (again, NO WHERE IN THE BIBLE) there are no directives on when, how often, for what offense, or anything like that. MAN has made all those rules up. The whole praying together, hug after being hit is sickening to me. It only teaches that if you are bigger and stronger, you can hurt someone else if they don't do things your way. And that those who supposedly love you the most are going to hurt you if you don't do what they want. That is NOT who God is. He cares SO MUCH MORE about relationship. Hitting destroys relationship, no matter what someone says (I was spanked and I'm fine).
There are hundreds of verses on gentleness, love, kindness, forgiveness, grace, and mercy, and one or two that people use to justify hitting. What about applying the WHOLE bible to parenting? If you apply more than just ONE scripture to parenting, and look ANYwhere else in the bible, you would never have a reason to hit.
I say this as a person who at one point (before children thank God) felt that I would hit, because it was what I had been taught makes a good, godly, Christian parent. I know I'm passionate about this topic, and I hope I'm not coming across as judgmental. I know how easy it is to get sucked in to that teaching, and how hard it is to break free from it. I was so deceived, and I am so thankful that God opened my eyes, and showed me who He really wants me to be to my children. It's my mission in life now, to undo all the punitive parenting that is taught in Christian circles. I hope to someday be able to teach people the truth and a better way than what has been taught the past few hundred years. I hope to be able to bring people back to true biblical parenting.
If you don't punish...
What do you DO???
This is my answer to someone on a message board I frequent. I'm going to just cut and paste it here, I hope some of the ideas can be useful to you...
I do not use punishments. I allow natural consequences, sometimes impose logical consequences, and model model model. I (because of my Christian beliefs) use instead GBD, which stands for grace based discipline. It's based on the bible of course, and the word discipline being used as 'teaching' and not punishing. I follow Jesus' example of teaching, He lead, He modeled, He talked talked and talked some more. He allowed for natural consequences, He was gentle and firm. He stood His ground without forcing anything on anyone.
Ok, so what are the things I DO? Here is a list:
1. Prevention. Being tired, bored, hungry, or lonely is the root of MOST behavior problems, especially in younger children. I try to make sure everyone is rested, fed (healthy!) and occupied. I put my kids to work early on. My two year old makes her bed, feeds the dogs, puts laundry away, and helps me vacuum. My 4 year old does that and more. When they are busy and feel needed, kids feel important!
2. Separate myself from their behavior. This is a HARD one for me. Basically, do not take their behavior as a personal slight on you. When kids are crying, tantruming, or destroying your house, it has NOTHING to do with you. It's so easy to get caught up in their upset, and that usually makes a parent want to stop it. I allow feelings to happen. They are what they are.
3. Attention. Ignored kids are more likely to get into trouble or act out for attention. I'm not saying you have to put on a carnival show for them everyday, but involve them in your life. Make them a priority, over the computer tv, phone, or whatever else. I know that when I've taken to time to play with or involve my kids on something I'm doing, they are much more likely to play alone while I make a phone call or write an email.
4. Listen. I'm so guilty of not doing this one. I just smile and nod and keep my mental list going. They see through that. I have to stop myself and really LISTEN to them. Sometimes that means I have to look beyond the behavior or words and try to figure out what is REALLY going on. The more in tune I am with them the easier that is.
5. Validate. Like I said before, feelings are real. Positive, negative, pretty or ugly, they are truth. Even though I don't always understand why they are feeling the way they are, I can always validate them. Just knowing that they are being heard makes all the difference.
6. Empower. I try to get out of their way and let them solve things on their own. Of course I am there if they need help, but stepping in too often or too quickly tells a kid they are not capable. As often as I can, I let them figure things out.
7. Positive Time Out. This is a nice, comfy, completely voluntary place the kids can go to cool off. We have a bean bag chair in front of the bookshelves. It's not in a room by itself, it's right in the middle of the house. The point is NOT to isolate the child or make him feel bad by 'thinking about it'. The point is to help the kid recognize that when they start feeling out of control of their bodies/words/actions, they have the power to go cool off. It's a positive, pleasant experience, akin to an adult taking a breather. When the weather is nice, I open the sliding glass doors and the quiet spot is outside.
8. Redirection. Works best for younger kids, but can also work for older kids as well.
9. Redo. If my dd1 is rude or disrespectful, I let her know as much and ask her to redo. She can try again in a kinder, more respectful way.
10. GOYB parenting. Get Off Your Butt. Taken from the website that goes by the same name. I say it once, repeat if I think they may not have heard or understood, and then get up to help. Helping is just that, helping. It's not to be rough or negatively. However, a child not complying is in need of help. So, if I say, "Ok we are going, let's go get our shoes on!" and dd1 does not, I will then say "You need shoes to leave, do you need help or can you do it?" And take it from there. If she gets them on, great! If not, I will put them on for her, or at least start to do so, and she will usually take over from there.
11. Solicit cooperation. "Let's" works much better than "Go do..."
12. Character Training. For us, as Christians, we take a lot of lessons and stories from the bible, but also from other wonderful books. Historical people (fictional or not) and what we think about how they behaved is often the conversation at the table.
13. Keep the important things important, and the other things secondary. Wearing striped pants with a polka dot shirt is not my cup of tea, but in the grand scheme of things, it's no big deal. Neither is cake for breakfast. If they were going to have a piece later on in the day, what's the big deal if they have it at 8 am instead of noon? For me, respecting God, people, animals and property is pretty much it.
14. Relax. Most things are a phase. Honestly, regardless of parenting style, MOST kids will go through similar issues. The difference (which you have pointed out in your OP) is how they are handled and what impact that makes on you as an adult person. A kid who is punished for doing things becomes more sneaky, it's natural to be in the self preservation mode. A kid who knows that he is capable, that his parents will support him, that they believe in him and will allow him the freedom to fix his mistake will more likely come and ask for help if the issue gets too big for him. A 2 year old who tantrums or a 5 year old who steals a piece of candy is not indicative of a sociopath. I stole gum from the grocery store as a kid and my consequence was logical...I had to take it back and apologize to the manager. No further punishment was needed, I learned my lesson well, and now as an adult I am one of the most honest people you know. Like I will drive back to the store if they missed something in my cart honest. My cousin, an amazing, attached mother of 6, gave me the best advice- It's a phase. They grow out of everything. Teach what is right and trust that they will 'get it'. And she is right, most everything I've stressed over was resolved with no further action by me.
15. Set them up for success. Baby-proof. Remove temptation. Be aware of their limits and do not push it. Eventually they WILL gain more self control, but children just do not have it. Even if they KNOW the right thing, they often do not have the self control to stop themselves from doing the wrong thing. Again, it's not indicative of a selfish, self-centered adult. Most adults I know (especially those in the Christian circles who use hitting as punishment) expect SO MUCH MORE from their children than even they are capable of. Perfectly compliant, perfectly happy, perfectly quiet children who do not complain, make a mess, test boundaries, or get in your way. Silly.
16. Give acceptable alternatives. Kid wants to throw their food on the floor? That's not ok, but how about throwing a ball outside? Kid wants to dump water? Again, that's not safe, but how about helping mom wash plastic dishes. Honor the impulse.
So, if you made it through THAT, for your specific instances, if your child:
Bites. Say "Biting hurts! Do not bite me/baby/friend!" And either move yourself or move your child. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Lies. The natural consequence of lying is that those close to you loose their trust. Explain that to the child, using age appropriate terms. When you loose trust, you must be more mindful of the child, therefore revoking some of the freedoms they once had. This does NOT need to be negative. For example, my dd1 went through a 'dig in mommy's bathroom drawer and get in to every lotion, deodorant, hair product, make up, and soap and dump it out. She was NOT doing it to annoy me, she was doing it because it's FUN! I gave her an acceptable alternative (playing with shaving cream or soap outside in the kiddy pool) and then kept her in the same room as me for a few weeks, until I felt I could trust her again. It was annoying, to have to keep her with me all the time, but it worked, she didn't get into the stuff anymore, and I was able to trust her in my bathroom again.
Runs across the parking lot. When you get to her, tell her in a very scared concerned voice "Running from mommy is NOT safe!!! I was very worried you could get hurt! Hold my hand or hop into the stroller so I can keep you safe." And do not allow that situation to happen again by holding hands/getting in stroller/putting on a kid leash BEFORE going outside. You can also practice "HALT" at home or in a safe place. See how quickly your child can stop when you yell HALT! Make it a game, but at the same time you are teaching a valuable lesson.
My philosophy on discipline is that since the root word is disciple, which mean to teach, I approach behavior like I do math. Explain, model, play games, and allow for mistakes. Try a different approach for different children. Know where your child is, and what is age appropriate so that you are not expecting calculus at age 3! And one thing I try to tell myself when I feel my kids are acting out is "A child who feels good, does good, and vise versa." Making a kid feel bad about doing something wrong is only going to spiral into making the child do worse things because you've added insult to injury. Giving the child loving guidance and the power and tools to resolve his own problems will go a lot further. It is MUCH harder, but hey, who said parenting was easy!? HTH some, and please feel free to ask questions if something I said wasn't clear or if you would like more info!
This is my answer to someone on a message board I frequent. I'm going to just cut and paste it here, I hope some of the ideas can be useful to you...
I do not use punishments. I allow natural consequences, sometimes impose logical consequences, and model model model. I (because of my Christian beliefs) use instead GBD, which stands for grace based discipline. It's based on the bible of course, and the word discipline being used as 'teaching' and not punishing. I follow Jesus' example of teaching, He lead, He modeled, He talked talked and talked some more. He allowed for natural consequences, He was gentle and firm. He stood His ground without forcing anything on anyone.
Ok, so what are the things I DO? Here is a list:
1. Prevention. Being tired, bored, hungry, or lonely is the root of MOST behavior problems, especially in younger children. I try to make sure everyone is rested, fed (healthy!) and occupied. I put my kids to work early on. My two year old makes her bed, feeds the dogs, puts laundry away, and helps me vacuum. My 4 year old does that and more. When they are busy and feel needed, kids feel important!
2. Separate myself from their behavior. This is a HARD one for me. Basically, do not take their behavior as a personal slight on you. When kids are crying, tantruming, or destroying your house, it has NOTHING to do with you. It's so easy to get caught up in their upset, and that usually makes a parent want to stop it. I allow feelings to happen. They are what they are.
3. Attention. Ignored kids are more likely to get into trouble or act out for attention. I'm not saying you have to put on a carnival show for them everyday, but involve them in your life. Make them a priority, over the computer tv, phone, or whatever else. I know that when I've taken to time to play with or involve my kids on something I'm doing, they are much more likely to play alone while I make a phone call or write an email.
4. Listen. I'm so guilty of not doing this one. I just smile and nod and keep my mental list going. They see through that. I have to stop myself and really LISTEN to them. Sometimes that means I have to look beyond the behavior or words and try to figure out what is REALLY going on. The more in tune I am with them the easier that is.
5. Validate. Like I said before, feelings are real. Positive, negative, pretty or ugly, they are truth. Even though I don't always understand why they are feeling the way they are, I can always validate them. Just knowing that they are being heard makes all the difference.
6. Empower. I try to get out of their way and let them solve things on their own. Of course I am there if they need help, but stepping in too often or too quickly tells a kid they are not capable. As often as I can, I let them figure things out.
7. Positive Time Out. This is a nice, comfy, completely voluntary place the kids can go to cool off. We have a bean bag chair in front of the bookshelves. It's not in a room by itself, it's right in the middle of the house. The point is NOT to isolate the child or make him feel bad by 'thinking about it'. The point is to help the kid recognize that when they start feeling out of control of their bodies/words/actions, they have the power to go cool off. It's a positive, pleasant experience, akin to an adult taking a breather. When the weather is nice, I open the sliding glass doors and the quiet spot is outside.
8. Redirection. Works best for younger kids, but can also work for older kids as well.
9. Redo. If my dd1 is rude or disrespectful, I let her know as much and ask her to redo. She can try again in a kinder, more respectful way.
10. GOYB parenting. Get Off Your Butt. Taken from the website that goes by the same name. I say it once, repeat if I think they may not have heard or understood, and then get up to help. Helping is just that, helping. It's not to be rough or negatively. However, a child not complying is in need of help. So, if I say, "Ok we are going, let's go get our shoes on!" and dd1 does not, I will then say "You need shoes to leave, do you need help or can you do it?" And take it from there. If she gets them on, great! If not, I will put them on for her, or at least start to do so, and she will usually take over from there.
11. Solicit cooperation. "Let's" works much better than "Go do..."
12. Character Training. For us, as Christians, we take a lot of lessons and stories from the bible, but also from other wonderful books. Historical people (fictional or not) and what we think about how they behaved is often the conversation at the table.
13. Keep the important things important, and the other things secondary. Wearing striped pants with a polka dot shirt is not my cup of tea, but in the grand scheme of things, it's no big deal. Neither is cake for breakfast. If they were going to have a piece later on in the day, what's the big deal if they have it at 8 am instead of noon? For me, respecting God, people, animals and property is pretty much it.
14. Relax. Most things are a phase. Honestly, regardless of parenting style, MOST kids will go through similar issues. The difference (which you have pointed out in your OP) is how they are handled and what impact that makes on you as an adult person. A kid who is punished for doing things becomes more sneaky, it's natural to be in the self preservation mode. A kid who knows that he is capable, that his parents will support him, that they believe in him and will allow him the freedom to fix his mistake will more likely come and ask for help if the issue gets too big for him. A 2 year old who tantrums or a 5 year old who steals a piece of candy is not indicative of a sociopath. I stole gum from the grocery store as a kid and my consequence was logical...I had to take it back and apologize to the manager. No further punishment was needed, I learned my lesson well, and now as an adult I am one of the most honest people you know. Like I will drive back to the store if they missed something in my cart honest. My cousin, an amazing, attached mother of 6, gave me the best advice- It's a phase. They grow out of everything. Teach what is right and trust that they will 'get it'. And she is right, most everything I've stressed over was resolved with no further action by me.
15. Set them up for success. Baby-proof. Remove temptation. Be aware of their limits and do not push it. Eventually they WILL gain more self control, but children just do not have it. Even if they KNOW the right thing, they often do not have the self control to stop themselves from doing the wrong thing. Again, it's not indicative of a selfish, self-centered adult. Most adults I know (especially those in the Christian circles who use hitting as punishment) expect SO MUCH MORE from their children than even they are capable of. Perfectly compliant, perfectly happy, perfectly quiet children who do not complain, make a mess, test boundaries, or get in your way. Silly.
16. Give acceptable alternatives. Kid wants to throw their food on the floor? That's not ok, but how about throwing a ball outside? Kid wants to dump water? Again, that's not safe, but how about helping mom wash plastic dishes. Honor the impulse.
So, if you made it through THAT, for your specific instances, if your child:
Bites. Say "Biting hurts! Do not bite me/baby/friend!" And either move yourself or move your child. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Lies. The natural consequence of lying is that those close to you loose their trust. Explain that to the child, using age appropriate terms. When you loose trust, you must be more mindful of the child, therefore revoking some of the freedoms they once had. This does NOT need to be negative. For example, my dd1 went through a 'dig in mommy's bathroom drawer and get in to every lotion, deodorant, hair product, make up, and soap and dump it out. She was NOT doing it to annoy me, she was doing it because it's FUN! I gave her an acceptable alternative (playing with shaving cream or soap outside in the kiddy pool) and then kept her in the same room as me for a few weeks, until I felt I could trust her again. It was annoying, to have to keep her with me all the time, but it worked, she didn't get into the stuff anymore, and I was able to trust her in my bathroom again.
Runs across the parking lot. When you get to her, tell her in a very scared concerned voice "Running from mommy is NOT safe!!! I was very worried you could get hurt! Hold my hand or hop into the stroller so I can keep you safe." And do not allow that situation to happen again by holding hands/getting in stroller/putting on a kid leash BEFORE going outside. You can also practice "HALT" at home or in a safe place. See how quickly your child can stop when you yell HALT! Make it a game, but at the same time you are teaching a valuable lesson.
My philosophy on discipline is that since the root word is disciple, which mean to teach, I approach behavior like I do math. Explain, model, play games, and allow for mistakes. Try a different approach for different children. Know where your child is, and what is age appropriate so that you are not expecting calculus at age 3! And one thing I try to tell myself when I feel my kids are acting out is "A child who feels good, does good, and vise versa." Making a kid feel bad about doing something wrong is only going to spiral into making the child do worse things because you've added insult to injury. Giving the child loving guidance and the power and tools to resolve his own problems will go a lot further. It is MUCH harder, but hey, who said parenting was easy!? HTH some, and please feel free to ask questions if something I said wasn't clear or if you would like more info!
Material Girl...
We had an incident last night between the older girls that got me to thinking. Maybe I've not done such a good job at teaching them that people matter more than things.
The eldest daughter is fiercely protective of her 'things' and she gets very upset about her little sister touching them. Some of that I can understand, they are always together, they share a room, and to be honest, middle daughter is, um, insistent to say the least lol. So, yeah, she doesn't want her things to be touched or messed with, she likes things just so, and I do want to honor and respect that.
Where it crosses the line for me, though, is when there is so much anxiety about things being touched that it causes her to be unkind. So that's exactly what happened. I was left not all too sure how to handle the situation without adding to the already there resentment or rivalry. I needed to make sure that my oldest daughter understood that she was putting her 'things' before her sister and that it wasn't ok. At the same time, I do want to help her learn how to set a boundary around something that belongs to her. I want my middle daughter to know she is important and loved by her sister, and yet, that she has to maintain other peoples limits. She has a hard time with that.
So, in the heat of the moment, I was angry, hurt, and I felt as though I had failed at teaching this big important thing. My children were hurting each other over a silly little toy, something that honestly, until yesterday, was completely forgotten by them.
How could I show her? We talked a lot last night, and though I was seething, I do think I handled it ok. I told her that she's been putting the safety of her toys over the safety of her sister, so for a while, I'd be keeping them safe for her. That way, she doesn't have to worry, and can focus instead on extending kindness to her sister.
Then I got to wondering if *I* had treated them as less than any of my special things...you know like, my computer or phone, or my 'break' time...have I ever made them feel like they were less important than those things?
The eldest daughter is fiercely protective of her 'things' and she gets very upset about her little sister touching them. Some of that I can understand, they are always together, they share a room, and to be honest, middle daughter is, um, insistent to say the least lol. So, yeah, she doesn't want her things to be touched or messed with, she likes things just so, and I do want to honor and respect that.
Where it crosses the line for me, though, is when there is so much anxiety about things being touched that it causes her to be unkind. So that's exactly what happened. I was left not all too sure how to handle the situation without adding to the already there resentment or rivalry. I needed to make sure that my oldest daughter understood that she was putting her 'things' before her sister and that it wasn't ok. At the same time, I do want to help her learn how to set a boundary around something that belongs to her. I want my middle daughter to know she is important and loved by her sister, and yet, that she has to maintain other peoples limits. She has a hard time with that.
So, in the heat of the moment, I was angry, hurt, and I felt as though I had failed at teaching this big important thing. My children were hurting each other over a silly little toy, something that honestly, until yesterday, was completely forgotten by them.
How could I show her? We talked a lot last night, and though I was seething, I do think I handled it ok. I told her that she's been putting the safety of her toys over the safety of her sister, so for a while, I'd be keeping them safe for her. That way, she doesn't have to worry, and can focus instead on extending kindness to her sister.
Then I got to wondering if *I* had treated them as less than any of my special things...you know like, my computer or phone, or my 'break' time...have I ever made them feel like they were less important than those things?
Should we be quitters?
I normally see things out to the end. I do not like leaving things undone, no matter how tired, annoyed, or uncomfortable I am. I value perseverance, and follow through is something I hope to teach my children.
Many times the 'right' thing to do is hard, and I wish my children to see the end goal, work hard, and feel that wonderful sense of accomplishment when they've stuck it out.
Sometimes though, it's not really that easy. This week, we had one such incident, and at first I wasn't sure how I would handle it. We had signed our oldest daughter up for her very first summer camp. It sounded so neat, it was a theatre type camp, where they worked on a production for the week and on Friday, they put on a show for the parents. She had gone to see a few plays this past year and had been talking about wanting to be in play for months. I thought, 'Surely she will love this!'.
So the day before, after a day at the beach with her dad and her cousins, as I put her to bed, I reminded her about the camp and she was very hesitant, and said that she did not want to go. I chalked it up to the fact that we homeschool, and aside from dance class and Sunday school, she is always in the care of family. We've never had to talk up going to school or daycare to her, so this was a brand new.
The morning of, I tried to reassure her, and she was not buying it. She still did not want to go. I wrote my phone number on her name tag and instructed her teacher to call me if she needed me. I received a call a few hours later from the directer saying she had peeked in and everyone seemed to be fine, they were all playing a game, and no one had reported any issues. I knew it! I knew she would love it! Yay!
Um, yeah. Not so. When I picked her up and asked her how it went she almost started to cry. She hated it and did not want to go back. She said her teacher was too serious, and I finally got out of her that she had accidentally touched something and the teacher had told her in front of everyone not to. She was embarrassed, afraid she was in trouble and lonely. She cried most of the evening if we brought it up. I tried telling her that her teacher probably was stressed and nervous too, and was most likely just trying to keep the papers safe and did not intend to scare her. She was adamant that she was not going back.
(Complicating matters was that my mom had helped us pay for it, and I kind of felt like it was a lot of money to just quit on the first day. So what to do?)
I finally came up with a brilliant solution. I bribed her. Lol. Yes, I did. I told her if she tried again, I'd take her out on a special date on Friday. I kept thinking if she could just try one more time, she would like it. I figured it was the whole paper touching incident that kind of turned her off, and I knew once we got past that, she would have fun. I also promised that I would stay at the church, and would check in with her every so often and that she only had to stay until lunch. I told her I'd talk to her teacher and clear any misunderstandings up. She finally agreed and so, Tuesday morning, we went again. She was fine each time I checked, and asked me to stay a little longer to finish a craft! I sent texts to my hubs and my friends, who I had called the day before asking their advice. I thought she wold surely love it now that the first day was gone and the second had been better.
So imagine my surprise when I asked her "So, do you want to finish the week now?" and she said, "No! I did the second try, can we go on our date?" Ugh. She has only gone to fulfill the date bribe. Yikes. What now?
I got her to go again Wednesday, again, with me staying at the church and checking in on her.
Thursday, we quit. Her cousins had come into town the night before and they all decided to go to Disney on Thursday. How could I refuse? And on Friday, we went to the beach with them. She totally missed the show.
I really struggled with the decision. I mean, what was I teaching her? That if you don't like something you can just quit? That hard work isn't worth it? Shouldn't I teach her the value of money? We paid a lot for the camp, it wasn't something we could just throw away. Plus there was the whole thing with my mom paying part of it...I kind of felt like I was obligated to make it work. Like she would feel that I didn't value her helping us if I just quit.
No, I think I taught her a much more valuable lesson that week. I showed her that I believed her. That I would stand up for her, be on her side, and never put her into a situation where she felt unsafe or uncomfortable without knowing I was nearby. I gave her a little bit of a push for independence, but respected her limitations. More importantly, I showed her that family is more important than fulfilling an obligation. Our cousins only come down once a year, and had we gone to camp we would have missed on two wonderful days spent with them.
And I learned something myself. I learned that it's ok to be that crazy mom who writes her cell phone number on her kids name tag. The one who not only walks her kid to the room on the first day, but on every day. And the only crazy who will spend four hours at the church playground, library, and lobby with a 3 year old and an infant, so that her 6 year old will feel ok to go to camp. I'm sure I was the talk amongst the teachers...I was slightly embarrassed to be staying the whole time at first, but then I realized-It's not their job to make my child feel safe, ok, and comfortable. It's mine. And if that means I stay the whole time, so be it.
And I think we both learned that sometimes, it's ok to say "You know, I thought I'd like this thing, and I don't. I simply don't want to continue." and not feel guilty because of the time or money or whatever that was put into it. It's ok to quit sometimes.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
A time out...
You know how when your three year old has that look on her face, and you know she's gonna yank on her sisters hair? You see the frustration mounting, and you quickly say "ok!!! Let's have a time out!" because you know it's going to continue to escalate and the results will not be good.
A time out preemptively will do much more good than a time out after the fact. And I'm not talking of the popular 'time out' protocol either, of sending the child somewhere secluded for the purpose of them feeling guilty, 'thinking about it', or punishing them to show them their behavior is unacceptable. No, not that at all. Because honestly, what does that do? Other than make the kid seethe in anger at being sent away, or throw a tantrum at not being heard, or hurry to stop crying so they can get out of their room?
No, I'm talking about a true time out. A time out of that particular situation, to do something different, change scenery. A true time out should be calming, should diffuse the anger, not add to it.
When we are frustrated, what would we want our response from others to be? Certainly not being yelled at to go away or shamed...chances are, if we are at that point and we are acting inappropriately, we are already feeling badly, no need to heap on the negativity. No, when I'm mad or frustrated, I basically just want to be heard. I want someone to sooth me and speak gently without being condescending.
And yet, we do need to maintain healthy boundaries and in our anger, not say things that will hurt others. We must teach our children the same. For this reason, we have a code word we use when we think someone might be getting out of control. Parents and kids can tell each other, lovingly and gently, that they look like they need a 'break'. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, our pride tells us we don't *want* a break, but if someone has suggested it, it's because we usually do. It allows the person who is riled up an easy 'out' to go and calm down, without undue embarrassment. My kids know to respect the 'break' time if mommy or daddy needs one, as we respect their space too.
When they are little, a break may be in my lap, reading a book or just snuggling. I might offer to make a cup of chamomile tea, or get a protein filled snack, some water, or warm milk. The whole point is to recognize in ourselves the warning signs of getting angry, and take steps to calm ourselves down. Most of us have not learned this valuable skill, and as a result, we hurt those we love. Righteous anger does not hurt others, in word or deed.
All this stems from my needing a break tonight, and not realizing it until too late. :( I had had a long day, cooped up indoors, with a baby who is going through a clingy phase, and two tired kids. I got angry over something very insignificant and spoke harshly to my daughter. The hurt in her eyes as I lectured was painful. Thankfully, hubs recognized how I was feeling, and offered a break to me. He didn't look disapprovingly, didn't admonish me, didn't make me feel worse about the situation than I already did. He simply said, "why don't you go and nurse the baby, I'll put the bigger girls to bed". I went and calmed down and then was able to apologize to my daughter.
I know some will say, oh, but the parents must always present a united front, he undermined you, ect. And normally, I do agree that parents should support each other and back each other. However, more importantly than that, I want my kids to learn that NO ONE should speak unkindly to them. not even their mother. Especially their mother. And that mommy's are not perfect. We make many mistakes, daily it seems, and when we hurt someone else, we need to make amends and apologize.
So the next time your kids get angry and lash out, rather than punish or make them feel worse, empathize that they are already feeling badly, and help them calm down. Give them as much time as they need. And when they are ready, their apology will be from a contrite heart, it will be real and not forced just to get out of a punishment. Slowly, over a long time, they will recognize their own limitations, and take a break before they react.
That, is the place I am striving to be.
A time out preemptively will do much more good than a time out after the fact. And I'm not talking of the popular 'time out' protocol either, of sending the child somewhere secluded for the purpose of them feeling guilty, 'thinking about it', or punishing them to show them their behavior is unacceptable. No, not that at all. Because honestly, what does that do? Other than make the kid seethe in anger at being sent away, or throw a tantrum at not being heard, or hurry to stop crying so they can get out of their room?
No, I'm talking about a true time out. A time out of that particular situation, to do something different, change scenery. A true time out should be calming, should diffuse the anger, not add to it.
When we are frustrated, what would we want our response from others to be? Certainly not being yelled at to go away or shamed...chances are, if we are at that point and we are acting inappropriately, we are already feeling badly, no need to heap on the negativity. No, when I'm mad or frustrated, I basically just want to be heard. I want someone to sooth me and speak gently without being condescending.
And yet, we do need to maintain healthy boundaries and in our anger, not say things that will hurt others. We must teach our children the same. For this reason, we have a code word we use when we think someone might be getting out of control. Parents and kids can tell each other, lovingly and gently, that they look like they need a 'break'. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, our pride tells us we don't *want* a break, but if someone has suggested it, it's because we usually do. It allows the person who is riled up an easy 'out' to go and calm down, without undue embarrassment. My kids know to respect the 'break' time if mommy or daddy needs one, as we respect their space too.
When they are little, a break may be in my lap, reading a book or just snuggling. I might offer to make a cup of chamomile tea, or get a protein filled snack, some water, or warm milk. The whole point is to recognize in ourselves the warning signs of getting angry, and take steps to calm ourselves down. Most of us have not learned this valuable skill, and as a result, we hurt those we love. Righteous anger does not hurt others, in word or deed.
All this stems from my needing a break tonight, and not realizing it until too late. :( I had had a long day, cooped up indoors, with a baby who is going through a clingy phase, and two tired kids. I got angry over something very insignificant and spoke harshly to my daughter. The hurt in her eyes as I lectured was painful. Thankfully, hubs recognized how I was feeling, and offered a break to me. He didn't look disapprovingly, didn't admonish me, didn't make me feel worse about the situation than I already did. He simply said, "why don't you go and nurse the baby, I'll put the bigger girls to bed". I went and calmed down and then was able to apologize to my daughter.
I know some will say, oh, but the parents must always present a united front, he undermined you, ect. And normally, I do agree that parents should support each other and back each other. However, more importantly than that, I want my kids to learn that NO ONE should speak unkindly to them. not even their mother. Especially their mother. And that mommy's are not perfect. We make many mistakes, daily it seems, and when we hurt someone else, we need to make amends and apologize.
So the next time your kids get angry and lash out, rather than punish or make them feel worse, empathize that they are already feeling badly, and help them calm down. Give them as much time as they need. And when they are ready, their apology will be from a contrite heart, it will be real and not forced just to get out of a punishment. Slowly, over a long time, they will recognize their own limitations, and take a break before they react.
That, is the place I am striving to be.
It's good to stretch...
So yesterday we went to the beach. My hubby's cousins were in town with their kids and were staying in a condo there, so they invited us to spend the day with them. Actually, hubs had already taken the kids there a few days ago, but I stayed home with the baby.
(Why? Well, as our other children did, baby hates the car. And consequently the crying gives her mother a great deal of anxiety. Plus, she is going through major separation anxiety, and only mommy will do. That means that I have to hold her all.day.long. Plus she eats everything, sand included. And she crawls and pulls up everywhere, meaning even being in the condo would be stressful as it's not baby proofed at all.)
So, yesterday, on a whim, I decided I'd try to go with hubs and the kids. Everyone was surprised. Hubs asked me no less than four times if i was sure, no pressure if i didn't want to go, i could stay home, everyone would understand. The best though, was older daughters reaction of "mommy you're going?!?! Yay!!!" with a look of total surprise and glee.
*Disclaimer-I'm not an ogre. I do fun stuff with the kids everyday. We go places everyday. I just keep the car travel to a fifteen minute maximum, as that seems to be baby's limit. I also don't generally to all day affairs, since baby doesn't nap well out. Just wanted to clear my reputation there...;)
The hour before we left was filled with stress and anxiety on my part, and finally we all got in the car right at baby's nap time, hoping she would sleep most of the way. I sat, tense, counting the minutes she had been asleep, knowing that her normal morning nap was only 30 minutes log, and that would leave an hour and a half where she would most likely be crying. Sure enough, almost exactly 30 minutes later, she woke up. I anticipated the worst, but actually, it wasn't too bad! She did cry, a little, but I was able to sit next to her and give her snacks and otherwise keep her entertained.
We had a lovely day with family. Really, really beautiful, not stressful. The beach was gorgeous, the weather was fantastic, the kids did not stop moving-running, swimming, building, exploring-for one minute. I even had some down time to read my book.
On the way home, hubs kept telling me "thanks for coming, I know how hard it is to stretch out of your comfort zone". And I got to thinking, it just may be a good thing to do that once in a while. Had I done what would have been comfortable, I would have missed a great day with my family! As it was, I stretched myself, a lot, and it turned out to be a fun day!
All this to say, I encourage you to stretch yourself today...do one thing outside of your comfort zone. No matter how silly (I don't know anyone else who feels so much anxiety about the car like I do, and most of my friends wouldn't think twice about going to the beach with their infant). You know that thing your kids have wanted to do that you dread? Do it! If you are normally not the 'artsy fartsy' type, spread some butcher paper on the floors and walls and paint! If going to the play ground and actually playing with them horrifies you, surprise them today!
Or your hubby, you know how he just looooves action/sic-fi movies? Go with him to one! Eat at that little dive you haven't had ever gone to before. Do something daring and out of character, tomorrow you can go right back to the normally scheduled you, promise.
You may find, like I did, that you are pleasantly surprised! And trust me, your family will treasure the memory.
(Why? Well, as our other children did, baby hates the car. And consequently the crying gives her mother a great deal of anxiety. Plus, she is going through major separation anxiety, and only mommy will do. That means that I have to hold her all.day.long. Plus she eats everything, sand included. And she crawls and pulls up everywhere, meaning even being in the condo would be stressful as it's not baby proofed at all.)
So, yesterday, on a whim, I decided I'd try to go with hubs and the kids. Everyone was surprised. Hubs asked me no less than four times if i was sure, no pressure if i didn't want to go, i could stay home, everyone would understand. The best though, was older daughters reaction of "mommy you're going?!?! Yay!!!" with a look of total surprise and glee.
*Disclaimer-I'm not an ogre. I do fun stuff with the kids everyday. We go places everyday. I just keep the car travel to a fifteen minute maximum, as that seems to be baby's limit. I also don't generally to all day affairs, since baby doesn't nap well out. Just wanted to clear my reputation there...;)
The hour before we left was filled with stress and anxiety on my part, and finally we all got in the car right at baby's nap time, hoping she would sleep most of the way. I sat, tense, counting the minutes she had been asleep, knowing that her normal morning nap was only 30 minutes log, and that would leave an hour and a half where she would most likely be crying. Sure enough, almost exactly 30 minutes later, she woke up. I anticipated the worst, but actually, it wasn't too bad! She did cry, a little, but I was able to sit next to her and give her snacks and otherwise keep her entertained.
We had a lovely day with family. Really, really beautiful, not stressful. The beach was gorgeous, the weather was fantastic, the kids did not stop moving-running, swimming, building, exploring-for one minute. I even had some down time to read my book.
On the way home, hubs kept telling me "thanks for coming, I know how hard it is to stretch out of your comfort zone". And I got to thinking, it just may be a good thing to do that once in a while. Had I done what would have been comfortable, I would have missed a great day with my family! As it was, I stretched myself, a lot, and it turned out to be a fun day!
All this to say, I encourage you to stretch yourself today...do one thing outside of your comfort zone. No matter how silly (I don't know anyone else who feels so much anxiety about the car like I do, and most of my friends wouldn't think twice about going to the beach with their infant). You know that thing your kids have wanted to do that you dread? Do it! If you are normally not the 'artsy fartsy' type, spread some butcher paper on the floors and walls and paint! If going to the play ground and actually playing with them horrifies you, surprise them today!
Or your hubby, you know how he just looooves action/sic-fi movies? Go with him to one! Eat at that little dive you haven't had ever gone to before. Do something daring and out of character, tomorrow you can go right back to the normally scheduled you, promise.
You may find, like I did, that you are pleasantly surprised! And trust me, your family will treasure the memory.
When IS a mother's Sabbath day?
A good friend of mine asked me that question one Sunday morning. A great question, and as I pondered the answer, I could come up with nothing. Amidst the laundry and dishes, the sibling squabbles and baby crying, sleepless nights and tiring days...it's true, we mothers very rarely have a moment of rest. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I mean, we SHOULD have it, after all its so important the God of this earth needed it!!! And so, as is true of my personality type, I began looking for the reasons WHY we moms don't have a time of rest, and WHO was to blame.
Was it society's fault? Perhaps. After all, mothers just aren't valued the same as they once were. There should be some sort of free help program for us. You know, someone who will come clean your house (to your exact specifications) or who will cook meals (organic, whole foods only, something that tastes like it has a pound of butter but is in reality fat free, something the children will eat, oh and for free) or maybe a playmate for our children (who will love them as dearly as we do, but won't take our place. The kids still have to pick us over them of course). See, if we had all that, we'd be much better rested.
Was it my husbands fault? After all, he gets breaks at work, he sleeps all night long while I am up with the baby, he goes to the bathroom alone (gasp!), if he needs to run an errand, he just does, with no planning or thought about the kids. Why doesn't he see all I do everyday and give me more down time?! Why can't he read my mind about what needs to be done around here so he can be a more efficient help? And why can't he spend time with the kids in the way *I* want him to? (Quality games and activities only please, no screen time.) Oh, don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, truly. He is an amazingly sensitive husband and father, and works very hard for our family. But you know, those we love the dearest are often the easiest to get angry with...
Was it MY fault??? Certainly not! I mean, if *I* don't do everything around here, who will?! I'm indispensable, people need me. Couldn't be my fault. No way. :-)
And so, as I drove and thought, I got angrier and angrier. We *should* have a day of rest. And no one is making it happen!!! Hmmm. And then, God, in His divine way, spoke to me. No, not like He spoke to people in the Old Testament, but actually through a radio broadcast. It was about getting 'saved' and the preacher was going on and on calling all those who were weary to come and rest in Jesus. You know, you can almost hear his southern drawl, an old pastor, up at the front of a tiny country church, yelling at the congregation to trust Gee-sus.
And a lightbulb went on. 'Rest' doesn't always mean physical rest, laying around all day. While it IS good and healthy to take days like that, that is not all. Our true rest comes in total surrender and trust in Jesus. Oh I don't want to sound cliche. I hate that. But truly, if we can get to a place where we bring all of our worries, doubts, struggles, insecurities, exhaustion, anger, sadness, and frustration to Jesus, we really truly can rest. Rest our soul, rest our spirit.
I am so not there. Hence my almost constant restlessness. I'm trying, but it's hard. I am a self professed control freak. I know that about myself, but it is still hard to let go. I'm the one who has to come up with and follow through on the solutions. I'm the one people count on. I'm the only one around here who gets anything done! And yet, without me, the world would go on! Mopping the floors seems so insignificant when I look at it from that angle. (don't get me wrong, mopping is important, I'm not advocating giving that up or living in squalor lol) Yes, the floors need mopping, the furniture needs dusting, and the counters need wiping. And they will need it again tomorrow and the next day and the next.
So why not take a few minutes to rest with Jesus? Why not go outside and marvel at the beauty that is a butterfly, the perfection of a flower, or the peace from a brilliant sunset? Why not loosen the reigns a little? You know when you've grasped a heavy bag or something in your hand for a while? When you first let the bag go, it almost hurts to open your hand. But the more you do, the more you realize it actually feels good, and before long you are opening and closing your fist to bring the blood circulation back to your fingers. That's how we hold on. We don't even realize it hurts. Or just how tightly we are grasping on. And yes, letting go is uncomfortable at first. It feels...off somehow. The longer we hold on, the more our hand cramps and tires. And while it's holding so tightly, it isn't good for anything else! When we can let go, let Jesus carry our burdens, we can find rest. True, tranquil, serene rest. And I believe *that is what a moms Sabbath will look like.
Was it society's fault? Perhaps. After all, mothers just aren't valued the same as they once were. There should be some sort of free help program for us. You know, someone who will come clean your house (to your exact specifications) or who will cook meals (organic, whole foods only, something that tastes like it has a pound of butter but is in reality fat free, something the children will eat, oh and for free) or maybe a playmate for our children (who will love them as dearly as we do, but won't take our place. The kids still have to pick us over them of course). See, if we had all that, we'd be much better rested.
Was it my husbands fault? After all, he gets breaks at work, he sleeps all night long while I am up with the baby, he goes to the bathroom alone (gasp!), if he needs to run an errand, he just does, with no planning or thought about the kids. Why doesn't he see all I do everyday and give me more down time?! Why can't he read my mind about what needs to be done around here so he can be a more efficient help? And why can't he spend time with the kids in the way *I* want him to? (Quality games and activities only please, no screen time.) Oh, don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, truly. He is an amazingly sensitive husband and father, and works very hard for our family. But you know, those we love the dearest are often the easiest to get angry with...
Was it MY fault??? Certainly not! I mean, if *I* don't do everything around here, who will?! I'm indispensable, people need me. Couldn't be my fault. No way. :-)
And so, as I drove and thought, I got angrier and angrier. We *should* have a day of rest. And no one is making it happen!!! Hmmm. And then, God, in His divine way, spoke to me. No, not like He spoke to people in the Old Testament, but actually through a radio broadcast. It was about getting 'saved' and the preacher was going on and on calling all those who were weary to come and rest in Jesus. You know, you can almost hear his southern drawl, an old pastor, up at the front of a tiny country church, yelling at the congregation to trust Gee-sus.
And a lightbulb went on. 'Rest' doesn't always mean physical rest, laying around all day. While it IS good and healthy to take days like that, that is not all. Our true rest comes in total surrender and trust in Jesus. Oh I don't want to sound cliche. I hate that. But truly, if we can get to a place where we bring all of our worries, doubts, struggles, insecurities, exhaustion, anger, sadness, and frustration to Jesus, we really truly can rest. Rest our soul, rest our spirit.
I am so not there. Hence my almost constant restlessness. I'm trying, but it's hard. I am a self professed control freak. I know that about myself, but it is still hard to let go. I'm the one who has to come up with and follow through on the solutions. I'm the one people count on. I'm the only one around here who gets anything done! And yet, without me, the world would go on! Mopping the floors seems so insignificant when I look at it from that angle. (don't get me wrong, mopping is important, I'm not advocating giving that up or living in squalor lol) Yes, the floors need mopping, the furniture needs dusting, and the counters need wiping. And they will need it again tomorrow and the next day and the next.
So why not take a few minutes to rest with Jesus? Why not go outside and marvel at the beauty that is a butterfly, the perfection of a flower, or the peace from a brilliant sunset? Why not loosen the reigns a little? You know when you've grasped a heavy bag or something in your hand for a while? When you first let the bag go, it almost hurts to open your hand. But the more you do, the more you realize it actually feels good, and before long you are opening and closing your fist to bring the blood circulation back to your fingers. That's how we hold on. We don't even realize it hurts. Or just how tightly we are grasping on. And yes, letting go is uncomfortable at first. It feels...off somehow. The longer we hold on, the more our hand cramps and tires. And while it's holding so tightly, it isn't good for anything else! When we can let go, let Jesus carry our burdens, we can find rest. True, tranquil, serene rest. And I believe *that is what a moms Sabbath will look like.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Why not the popular path?
So why DO I take the road less traveled? Honestly, I am not quite sure...some would say it's because I'm ornery. Or obsessive. Either way, I've decided that I'm not gonna take the easy way out of anything. Seriously. Ask my husband, lol. I'm as stubborn as they come, and when I get to researching something, I will do so until THE answer is found. And then I'll wonder why everyone else can't see it the same way I do. So bear with my impassioned posts, I promise they come from a heart of searching and sharing with other mamas, and not from a place of judgment or criticism.
Before I was a mother, I was a nanny, a day care worker, and a dance teacher. I worked with hundreds of children, from birth on up. I KNEW how to do this parenting thing. It was so easy. After all,the kids in my care listened, they followed directions, napped well, and rarely ever fussed or complained. I never needed to punish them, they just did what i asked. We had fun, I had tons of energy, I never let my nanny charges watch tv, eat junk food, or leave the house disheveled. I assumed I'd be an excellent mother, have a nice tidy home, and have children who did what they were told, every time. Riiiiiiiight.
Then my first dear daughter (dd) was born. She turned my life upside down, rocked my world. She didn't sleep, she cried when I put her down, she nursed almost constantly. Despite having well laid plans for a natural birth and a blissful baby moon period, I ended up at the hospital, with an epidural, and dd had jaundice and was in the nursery in a billi bed. It was a hard, hard time. Long story short, I ended up severely depressed, sleep deprived, and what followed started my journey towards gentle parenting.
While I was pregnant, we took a parenting class at our former church. I do not wish to name the book or author, as I do not condone his material at all. Let's just say, the gist was the parent gives a command, the child obeys without hesitation or question, and if not, you administer a thorough spanking. Anything else was not biblical. And I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.
I think my heart was in the right place, I wasn't raised in a Christian home, and I wanted to raise my children differently. I wanted to protect them from all the crazy of the world, shelter them and bring them up in a bubble of following my authority so that they would follow God...that was what was promised to me in these classes after all. And plus, I'm kinda controlling. Im working on it. Ironically, my mom fully believed in gentle discipline, and questioned me many times about my sudden change of heart after taking that class. How wise she was. I assured her I knew what I was doing, and that if needed, I would spank my child because that's what the bible said to do. Actually I had never bothered to read that part of the bible, much less research and understand what the context of the verses used really meant. I just took their word for it.
Dd's traumatic entry to the world did something to me. There is nothing on this earth like that fierce mama-bear protective love that comes after having your child. It is something that can not be explained to someone who has not experienced it. When your baby cries, and you can not go to her, it burns you to the core. It literally makes your body respond...your heart beats faster, your blood rushes, your breasts leak milk, you sweat, you get agitated, you feel this compulsive desire to GET TO YOUR BABY RIGHT NOW. God designed us mothers this way. It keeps us close, attached and our babies alive and healthy. That cry that can send a mother into a panic is a good and right thing. It is meant to make us move toward our babies.
And so, in those first few days, weeks, and months, I began to question everything thought I knew about mothering, biblical parenting, and babies. It felt right to hold and nurse my baby. It felt right to attend to her day and night. I bought a wrap and kept her close to me, and that felt right. Slowly, I started to read more and more about attachment parenting, and, feeling like a traitor to my faith, began practicing it.
What would they say? Those who taught my class? Well, I found out soon enough, when the teacher who I formally respected made the comment that dd was manipulating me because she was still nursing at night. She was four months old. I told her I just didn't think such a little baby even had the capability to manipulate, she was only trying to get her needs met. She assured me that she was not only capable, but that I was encouraging it. And that she knew it was hard, but she had let all four of her children cry it out by a few weeks old, to teach them. Her youngest had Downs syndrome.
That was such a turning point for me. My idea of this woman crumbled. I loved this woman and her children, and honestly I still do. I have a lot of respect for her, her children are lovely, I just think maybe she thought it had to be this way, and it doesn't. I knew then that everything I had been taught about biblical parenting until that point was not true.
Certainly the God of this universe wouldn't command us to do this awful thing? Certainly He wouldn't give us these intense mama feelings and then want us to ignore them? Certainly He gave the babies a means of communicating for a reason, not to be ignored? And yet everyone, and I mean EVERY Christian person I knew believed this. That children are born to manipulate us, to get their own way, to cause us strife and heart ache, and that we must control and manage them in every way. Sleeping, eating, playing, everything needed to be brought under our control, at all costs. Failure to do so was a poor reflection on the parents faith and devotion to the bible.
I knew as I began this journey, I'd be walking alone in my beliefs most of the time. I have been swimming upstream from the cultural 'norm'. Thankfully God, in His infinite grace and mercy, has shown me some wonderful people who have blessed me beyond measure. Who believe, like I do, that children are a blessing, on loan to us for just a short time, something to be treasured and valued and cherished. We are the minority for sure, but that is the point of this blog...to help spread this wonderful message of Gods love to both adults AND children.
I invite you to come on this journey with me, to walk the road less traveled.
Before I was a mother, I was a nanny, a day care worker, and a dance teacher. I worked with hundreds of children, from birth on up. I KNEW how to do this parenting thing. It was so easy. After all,the kids in my care listened, they followed directions, napped well, and rarely ever fussed or complained. I never needed to punish them, they just did what i asked. We had fun, I had tons of energy, I never let my nanny charges watch tv, eat junk food, or leave the house disheveled. I assumed I'd be an excellent mother, have a nice tidy home, and have children who did what they were told, every time. Riiiiiiiight.
Then my first dear daughter (dd) was born. She turned my life upside down, rocked my world. She didn't sleep, she cried when I put her down, she nursed almost constantly. Despite having well laid plans for a natural birth and a blissful baby moon period, I ended up at the hospital, with an epidural, and dd had jaundice and was in the nursery in a billi bed. It was a hard, hard time. Long story short, I ended up severely depressed, sleep deprived, and what followed started my journey towards gentle parenting.
While I was pregnant, we took a parenting class at our former church. I do not wish to name the book or author, as I do not condone his material at all. Let's just say, the gist was the parent gives a command, the child obeys without hesitation or question, and if not, you administer a thorough spanking. Anything else was not biblical. And I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.
I think my heart was in the right place, I wasn't raised in a Christian home, and I wanted to raise my children differently. I wanted to protect them from all the crazy of the world, shelter them and bring them up in a bubble of following my authority so that they would follow God...that was what was promised to me in these classes after all. And plus, I'm kinda controlling. Im working on it. Ironically, my mom fully believed in gentle discipline, and questioned me many times about my sudden change of heart after taking that class. How wise she was. I assured her I knew what I was doing, and that if needed, I would spank my child because that's what the bible said to do. Actually I had never bothered to read that part of the bible, much less research and understand what the context of the verses used really meant. I just took their word for it.
Dd's traumatic entry to the world did something to me. There is nothing on this earth like that fierce mama-bear protective love that comes after having your child. It is something that can not be explained to someone who has not experienced it. When your baby cries, and you can not go to her, it burns you to the core. It literally makes your body respond...your heart beats faster, your blood rushes, your breasts leak milk, you sweat, you get agitated, you feel this compulsive desire to GET TO YOUR BABY RIGHT NOW. God designed us mothers this way. It keeps us close, attached and our babies alive and healthy. That cry that can send a mother into a panic is a good and right thing. It is meant to make us move toward our babies.
And so, in those first few days, weeks, and months, I began to question everything thought I knew about mothering, biblical parenting, and babies. It felt right to hold and nurse my baby. It felt right to attend to her day and night. I bought a wrap and kept her close to me, and that felt right. Slowly, I started to read more and more about attachment parenting, and, feeling like a traitor to my faith, began practicing it.
What would they say? Those who taught my class? Well, I found out soon enough, when the teacher who I formally respected made the comment that dd was manipulating me because she was still nursing at night. She was four months old. I told her I just didn't think such a little baby even had the capability to manipulate, she was only trying to get her needs met. She assured me that she was not only capable, but that I was encouraging it. And that she knew it was hard, but she had let all four of her children cry it out by a few weeks old, to teach them. Her youngest had Downs syndrome.
That was such a turning point for me. My idea of this woman crumbled. I loved this woman and her children, and honestly I still do. I have a lot of respect for her, her children are lovely, I just think maybe she thought it had to be this way, and it doesn't. I knew then that everything I had been taught about biblical parenting until that point was not true.
Certainly the God of this universe wouldn't command us to do this awful thing? Certainly He wouldn't give us these intense mama feelings and then want us to ignore them? Certainly He gave the babies a means of communicating for a reason, not to be ignored? And yet everyone, and I mean EVERY Christian person I knew believed this. That children are born to manipulate us, to get their own way, to cause us strife and heart ache, and that we must control and manage them in every way. Sleeping, eating, playing, everything needed to be brought under our control, at all costs. Failure to do so was a poor reflection on the parents faith and devotion to the bible.
I knew as I began this journey, I'd be walking alone in my beliefs most of the time. I have been swimming upstream from the cultural 'norm'. Thankfully God, in His infinite grace and mercy, has shown me some wonderful people who have blessed me beyond measure. Who believe, like I do, that children are a blessing, on loan to us for just a short time, something to be treasured and valued and cherished. We are the minority for sure, but that is the point of this blog...to help spread this wonderful message of Gods love to both adults AND children.
I invite you to come on this journey with me, to walk the road less traveled.
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