Manipulation...

What is it? What is it not? Is it good? Bad? Indifferent? 

One of the big 'things' so often touted in Christian parenting circles is that our children will learn to manipulate us if we do not 'show them who is boss' early on. This lesson must begin promptly, in infancy, lest we show ourselves weak to our children. It is taught by implementing rigid schedules, so that babies learn to fit in to *our* lives and not be a nuisance. Or by ignoring their cries, attempting to teach them that we will not be swayed by their emotional outbursts. 

But what is it about that word, manipulation, that brings up such negative feelings in us? Babies, toddlers and young children are learning the ways of this big, confusing world. Things are often confusing, frustrating, and nonsensical to them. They communicate those feelings to us, and we label them as negative, bad, something to be squelched. 

Why is an infant waking up every two hours to nurse something to be ignored? God designed babies to eat breast milk, and breast milk is designed to digest quickly. Babies are made to eat frequently. It's not good or bad, it just IS. So why are we told to ignore that? Society would be in an uproar if we found that a nursing home was ignoring the cries of a hungry elderly person who was bed bound, simply because it wasn't the mandated 'meal time'. Why do we allow people to convince us to do this to our children? Even if the cause isn't hunger, comfort is a valid NEED. Multiple studies done in orphanages around the world show the effects of children deprived of this very need, and the results are heart breaking. So when we talk about babies manipulating us by crying, think of it as a GOOD thing. They know what needs they have, and crying is their way to communicate to us big people that they have a need that is not being met. 

When a toddler throws himself on the floor, screaming, kicking, and crying, he is not doing it to annoy us. He does not have the cognitive ability to think "I know! I'll just scream and cry until I get my way!" Truly, as much as it may seem they do, they do not have the ability to do this. Studies have been done to show that until about age five, children can not put themselves 'in our shoes'. So rest assured that tantrums have very little to do with you. They are really all about the frustration that is a toddlers life. A little bit of patience and empathy goes a long way. 

This brings me to my final point. I think the reason why so many of us feel so uncomfortable with manipulation is that we've often had to resort to it ourselves. Ok, stay with me here...
If we were taught, in childhood, that getting our needs met was an inconvenience, or that having certain feelings was bad, wrong,  or shameful....If we were ignored, 'trained', or punished for these things, how do we feel as adults when we have a need that is being unmet? We may want to be straightforward with our request, but subconsciously we harbor feelings of rejection for doing this before, so we keep it to ourselves. The need doesn't go away, and the desire to be fulfilled only grows stronger. The way we can get those needs met is to manipulate those around us...so as not to seem like we are actually asking or requesting anything. Does that make sense? 

Let's break that cycle for our children. Let's show them that getting our needs met is healthy and right and good. Let's stop attaching negative connotations to a God given behavior. Let's rejoice that our infants and toddlers feel free enough to ask (sometimes demand lol) those who love them most to meet their needs. Let's not shame them for their feelings, instead let's extend an extra measure of grace and empathy for these little people. 

And lets work on ourselves. Let go of those negative thing you were taught about needs. I have to work on this a lot. Rather than being passive aggressive, let's just be real, straight forward, and honest. It will free you so much.