If you don't punish...

What do you DO???

This is my answer to someone on a message board I frequent. I'm going to just cut and paste it here, I hope some of the ideas can be useful to you...


I do not use punishments. I allow natural consequences, sometimes impose logical consequences, and model model model. I (because of my Christian beliefs) use instead GBD, which stands for grace based discipline. It's based on the bible of course, and the word discipline being used as 'teaching' and not punishing. I follow Jesus' example of teaching, He lead, He modeled, He talked talked and talked some more. He allowed for natural consequences, He was gentle and firm. He stood His ground without forcing anything on anyone. 

Ok, so what are the things I DO? Here is a list:

1. Prevention. Being tired, bored, hungry, or lonely is the root of MOST behavior problems, especially in younger children. I try to make sure everyone is rested, fed (healthy!) and occupied. I put my kids to work early on. My two year old makes her bed, feeds the dogs, puts laundry away, and helps me vacuum. My 4 year old does that and more. When they are busy and feel needed, kids feel important!

2. Separate myself from their behavior. This is a HARD one for me. Basically, do not take their behavior as a personal slight on you. When kids are crying, tantruming, or destroying your house, it has NOTHING to do with you. It's so easy to get caught up in their upset, and that usually makes a parent want to stop it. I allow feelings to happen. They are what they are. 

3. Attention. Ignored kids are more likely to get into trouble or act out for attention. I'm not saying you have to put on a carnival show for them everyday, but involve them in your life. Make them a priority, over the computer  tv, phone, or whatever else. I know that when I've taken to time to play with or involve my kids on something I'm doing, they are much more likely to play alone while I make a phone call or write an email.

4. Listen. I'm so guilty of not doing this one. I just smile and nod and keep my mental list going. They see through that. I have to stop myself and really LISTEN to them. Sometimes that means I have to look beyond the behavior or words and try to figure out what is REALLY going on. The more in tune I am with them the easier that is.

5. Validate. Like I said before, feelings are real. Positive, negative, pretty or ugly, they are truth. Even though I don't always understand why they are feeling the way they are, I can always validate them. Just knowing that they are being heard makes all the difference.

6. Empower. I try to get out of their way and let them solve things on their own. Of course I am there if they need help, but stepping in too often or too quickly tells a kid they are not capable. As often as I can, I let them figure things out. 

7. Positive Time Out. This is a nice, comfy, completely voluntary place the kids can go to cool off. We have a bean bag chair in front of the bookshelves. It's not in a room by itself, it's right in the middle of the house. The point is NOT to isolate the child or make him feel bad by 'thinking about it'. The point is to help the kid recognize that when they start feeling out of control of their bodies/words/actions, they have the power to go cool off. It's a positive, pleasant experience, akin to an adult taking a breather. When the weather is nice, I open the sliding glass doors and the quiet spot is outside. 

8. Redirection. Works best for younger kids, but can also work for older kids as well.

9. Redo. If my dd1 is rude or disrespectful, I let her know as much and ask her to redo. She can try again in a kinder, more respectful way. 

10. GOYB parenting. Get Off Your Butt. Taken from the website that goes by the same name. I say it once, repeat if I think they may not have heard or understood, and then get up to help. Helping is just that, helping. It's not to be rough or negatively. However, a child not complying is in need of help. So, if I say, "Ok we are going, let's go get our shoes on!" and dd1 does not, I will then say "You need shoes to leave, do you need help or can you do it?" And take it from there. If she gets them on, great! If not, I will put them on for her, or at least start to do so, and she will usually take over from there. 

11. Solicit cooperation. "Let's" works much better than "Go do..." 

12. Character Training. For us, as Christians, we take a lot of lessons and stories from the bible, but also from other wonderful books. Historical people (fictional or not) and what we think about how they behaved is often the conversation at the table. 

13. Keep the important things important, and the other things secondary. Wearing striped pants with a polka dot shirt is not my cup of tea, but in the grand scheme of things, it's no big deal. Neither is cake for breakfast. If they were going to have a piece later on in the day, what's the big deal if they have it at 8 am instead of noon? For me, respecting God, people, animals and property is pretty much it. 

14. Relax. Most things are a phase. Honestly, regardless of parenting style, MOST kids will go through similar issues. The difference (which you have pointed out in your OP) is how they are handled and what impact that makes on you as an adult person. A kid who is punished for doing things becomes more sneaky, it's natural to be in the self preservation mode. A kid who knows that he is capable, that his parents will support him, that they believe in him and will allow him the freedom to fix his mistake will more likely come and ask for help if the issue gets too big for him. A 2 year old who tantrums or a 5 year old who steals a piece of candy is not indicative of a sociopath. I stole gum from the grocery store as a kid and my consequence was logical...I had to take it back and apologize to the manager. No further punishment was needed, I learned my lesson well, and now as an adult I am one of the most honest people you know. Like I will drive back to the store if they missed something in my cart honest.  My cousin, an amazing, attached mother of 6, gave me the best advice- It's a phase. They grow out of everything. Teach what is right and trust that they will 'get it'. And she is right, most everything I've stressed over was resolved with no further action by me. 

15. Set them up for success. Baby-proof. Remove temptation. Be aware of their limits and do not push it. Eventually they WILL gain more self control, but children just do not have it. Even if they KNOW the right thing, they often do not have the self control to stop themselves from doing the wrong thing. Again, it's not indicative of a selfish, self-centered adult. Most adults I know (especially those in the Christian circles who use hitting as punishment) expect SO MUCH MORE from their children than even they are capable of. Perfectly compliant, perfectly happy, perfectly quiet children who do not complain, make a mess, test boundaries, or get in your way. Silly.

16. Give acceptable alternatives. Kid wants to throw their food on the floor? That's not ok, but how about throwing a ball outside? Kid wants to dump water? Again, that's not safe, but how about helping mom wash plastic dishes. Honor the impulse.



So, if you made it through THAT, for your specific instances, if your child:

Bites. Say "Biting hurts! Do not bite me/baby/friend!" And either move yourself or move your child. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Lies. The natural consequence of lying is that those close to you loose their trust. Explain that to the child, using age appropriate terms. When you loose trust, you must be more mindful of the child, therefore revoking some of the freedoms they once had. This does NOT need to be negative. For example, my dd1 went through a 'dig in mommy's bathroom drawer and get in to every lotion, deodorant, hair product, make up, and soap and dump it out. She was NOT doing it to annoy me, she was doing it because it's FUN! I gave her an acceptable alternative (playing with shaving cream or soap outside in the kiddy pool) and then kept her in the same room as me for a few weeks, until I felt I could trust her again. It was annoying, to have to keep her with me all the time, but it worked, she didn't get into the stuff anymore, and I was able to trust her in my bathroom again.

Runs across the parking lot. When you get to her, tell her in a very scared concerned voice "Running from mommy is NOT safe!!! I was very worried you could get hurt! Hold my hand or hop into the stroller so I can keep you safe." And do not allow that situation to happen again by holding hands/getting in stroller/putting on a kid leash BEFORE going outside. You can also practice "HALT" at home or in a safe place. See how quickly your child can stop when you yell HALT! Make it a game, but at the same time you are teaching a valuable lesson.


My philosophy on discipline is that since the root word is disciple, which mean to teach, I approach behavior like I do math. Explain, model, play games, and allow for mistakes. Try a different approach for different children. Know where your child is, and what is age appropriate so that you are not expecting calculus at age 3! And one thing I try to tell myself when I feel my kids are acting out is "A child who feels good, does good, and vise versa." Making a kid feel bad about doing something wrong is only going to spiral into making the child do worse things because you've added insult to injury. Giving the child loving guidance and the power and tools to resolve his own problems will go a lot further. It is MUCH harder, but hey, who said parenting was easy!? HTH some, and please feel free to ask questions if something I said wasn't clear or if you would like more info!